Why Should I Forgive the One Who Hurt Me?

It is quite possible that my dear reader has been seriously hurt by someone; someone who never apologized or did anything sufficient to make it right. It could have been a co-worker, a friend, or a family member.

Growing up, I longed for love…

I loved my father dearly, and he could do no wrong in my eyes but he was not always present. I can still remember that Thursday afternoon when I was graduating from prep school. At that time common entrance was the exam taken to matriculate into high school. Daddy promised me faithfully that he would be at my graduation. Excitedly, I got ready for the big day and it seemed like forever before the program would start.

We marched into the church to the song, A Rose in Spanish Harlem by Ben E King. We sang our hearts out as we signaled to our family and friends that we were ready for the next leg of life. Every opportunity I got, I would look to see if my dad was in the audience. Sadly, the graduation came to an end and daddy was not there. It broke my heart to the point that I did not go to the after party at one of my friends' houses.

There would be other occasions where I felt disappointed and unloved and I wondered, do I possess qualities that are lovable,?

When I started high school I got the attention of the males in class but as a shy and reserved individual, I kept to myself. But someone caught my attention. He was a cousin of a friend in my youth group at church. He was handsome and ‘fed’ me all the right words that I so longed to hear from my dad.

For my friend’s 16th birthday, her mother had a big party, and of course, I was invited and you can guess who was also invited. He offered me an alcoholic beverage, which I refused, and then he said, "Let’s get away from the noise." I went, and as he was older than I, it was the mercy of God that gave me the strength to push him away when he desired to do things I was not willing to do. 

I felt so unclean and ashamed. No amount of baths helped how I felt. I felt more unloved than before that evening.

After someone has demeaned you, betrayed you, or abused you, it is pretty natural to want to get back at that person. But forgiveness is a better option, though it may be the furthest thing from your mind. I wanted so much for something bad to happen to my friend’s cousin.

In all four Gospels, Jesus notes the importance of forgiving others to ensure God's forgiveness. He said, "But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins" (Matthew 6:15 NIV).

So, if forgiveness is such a good thing, why do we continue to punish ourselves with the pains of a past long gone? 

The short answer is that forgiveness is hard to achieve. I struggled with it for years because while I may have desired to forgive, it was hard to forget all the pain I experienced. However, I have learned that real healing starts with forgiveness, though it often takes place late in the healing process. When we forgive, we come to realize that this person who hurt us is a very flawed human being.

Forgiveness helps us to feel better, to begin to rid ourselves of the anger, bitterness, or resentment we may carry inside. It may help to know that forgiveness is independent from reconciliation. Forgiveness does not guarantee a reunion, nor does it diminish the wrongness of what the person did to you.

Forgiveness does mean that you will not allow the one who hurt you to be the same person who decides whether or when you heal from the pain. Just as importantly, the decision to forgive someone opens the pathway for God to transform your pain into something good.

Dear sister, I pray that, although forgiveness is a tall order, our Heavenly Father will give you the strength to release the individual(s) who wronged you so that you can claim your healing in Jesus’ name and live the life God has ordained for you. 

La-Toya Cameron Hill is a writer for noblemedianetwork.com, where she pens articles for Healing Today, our column dedicated to emotional healing personal transformation and overall wellness, led by trusted professionals in their field. A trauma survivor herself, she knows firsthand the struggle of feeling lost, disconnected, and burdened by the past.

Now, a Certified Life and Trauma Coach, La-Toya is dedicated to guiding others toward wholeness. She is the founder of Blooming in Freedom, a safe space designed to empower those held captive by their past. With a BA in Social Work, an MA in Counseling Psychology, and certifications in Personality Psychology, Human Behavior, and Trauma Coaching, she equips individuals to reclaim their purpose and embrace healing.